IT'S THE HOPE THAT KILLS YOU

When doing Magick doesn't make a difference.

I want to take a break from the Forty Servants: In Theory and Practice series. I am becoming weary of it – and judging by the stats here on Patreon and over on Substack, a lot of you are too. I’ll come back to it at some point, but maybe not until the new year. Or maybe I’ll shake it up and do something with the Forty that isn’t just the expanded explanation of each servant. Time will tell.

In the meantime, I’ve missed writing proper blogs. So I’m giving myself permission to write outside the Forty Servants series. So, here we are.

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IT’S THE HOPE THAT KILLS YOU

Over the past year or so on my Patreon Exclusive Vlog, — The PVlog (it sounded funny at the time) — I have been monologuing about various magick, occult, spiritual, and life subjects. Recently, the recurring theme has been about how I’ve lost a lot of my interest in magick practice. Which is weird, considering that this year I finally found a Magick Teacher. In theory, I should be balls deep in all the woo.

But part of that shift comes from my Teacher. Very early into us working together he suggested I stop doing everything magickal that I do – no daily rituals, stop any ongoing workings, no daily offerings, nor prayers. Nothing.

So I stooped all of it.

And… nothing bad happened. In fact, a few things actually got better.

I then mentioned to my Teacher that I felt like packing up all my altars and all my magick accoutrements and putting everything away out of sight, and he agreed that was a good idea. Again, having done this, I didn’t notice any negative result from doing it. And more to the point, I didn’t miss any of it.

I didn’t miss having the daily grind of doing all the offerings, prayers, spell jar feedings, and spirit maintenance etc. that I was doing. In fact, it was quite the opposite – I felt a relief in not having to do them. Like a burden had been lifted.

But there was also something like “an emptiness”.

But I couldn’t really work out quite what it was or accurately describe it. So, I sat with the emptiness for a while, trying to work it out. Ultimately, it revealed itself to be “lack of hope”.

While I was doing all the daily and ongoing magick there was a hope that something positive would come out of it. That there would be some big contact, or some big revelation, or some big insight – ya know, it felt like I might actually get something by doing all this woo stuff.

And once I stopped, that hope went too.

But as we often say in Ireland (and I assume elsewhere, as it’s mentioned in an episode of Ted Lasso), “it’s the hope that kills you”. It’s just another way of saying what mystics and philosophers have said forever: attachment is the root of suffering. Hope keeps the heart tethered to a version of reality that isn’t happening. A heartbroken person can’t heal while secretly hoping to get back together. It’s the hope that keeps the wound open.

And I think that’s what was happening to me.

I was holding on to the hope that if I just kept doing the same magick over and over again, eventually it would start working in the way I imagined it should. Stopping made it clear it wasn’t doing anything at all.

And now I don’t really know what to do with that. If I’m no worse off by not doing magick—nor no better off —is there any point in doing it?

I’m not alone in this, either. In a recent PVlog I talked about how many magicians and occultists I talk to have very similar feels around the whole thing at the moment. Many in my magic circles just can’t seem to get the magick working the way they used to. Others feel that even when it does work, the effect is so minimal that the effort involved to do the magick isn’t worth the result. And other just simple have lost most if not all of their interest in the subject.

(For balance: I also know a few who are doing the best magick of their lives, so it’s not universal. But it’s common enough to notice.)

Now, before we get ahead of ourselves, this isn’t a “magick isn’t real” moment for me. I’ve experienced too many strange, undeniable things over the years to ever go back through that door of doubt.

It’s more like I’ve realised these forces and moments of contact seem to operate on their own schedule and agenda. They show up when they want to, not when I demand them or hope for them. Which begs the question: if they’re going to do what they do anyway, why keep doing the rituals at all?

I feel like I need a whole new approach to my spiritual life. I just don’t know what that looks like yet.

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And that’s it for this time, I hope you got something good from it. If you’d like to chat about it, you can leave a comment below, or come find me on Bluesky!

If you would like to support me in doing all the things I do, then feel free to join the PATREON, buy a FORTY SERVANTS deck, get me a book or something from my Amazon Wish List, or just send me some money via PAYPAL. It all really, really helps, and is very much appreciated.

So, until next time,
MAY YOUR BEST DAYS BE AHEAD!

Tommie